Content warning: This episode discusses domestic abuse, violence against women and girls, coercive control, misogyny, trauma, alcohol misuse and murder.
Episode summary
For South Asian Heritage Month, Hear Me Now host Priya speaks with three British South Asian men who use their work to challenge stigma and create positive change: creative-industry leader and New Young Blood founder Tandy Virdee; filmmaker, writer and director Ajit Mann; and Brown, But Better podcast host Aman Khondo.
They discuss pride in South Asian identity, representation, collaboration and the pressure placed on boys and men. The conversation also examines domestic abuse, coercive control, misogyny, emotional suppression and the responsibility men have to challenge harmful behaviour. They end by considering the values they want the next generation to inherit: empathy, vulnerability, individuality, respect and service to others.
Guests
- Tandy Virdee: creative-industry leader, founder of New Young Blood and advocate for tackling violence against women and girls.
- Ajit Mann: filmmaker, writer and director of Dukh, a British-Punjabi short film exploring domestic abuse and harmful behaviour within families.
- Aman Khondo: host of The Brown, But Better Podcast, which explores mental health, masculinity, identity and personal growth within South Asian communities.
Topics discussed
- South Asian heritage, family and community
- Representation in film, media and the creative industries
- Collaboration instead of competition
- Domestic abuse, coercive control and normalised harmful behaviour
- Ego, pride and gender expectations
- Healthy masculinity, vulnerability and emotional expression
- Men’s responsibility to challenge misogyny
- Creating safer communities for women and girls
- Positive role models for South Asian boys and young men
Edited transcript
This transcript has been edited to remove repeated words, false starts and incidental cross-talk while preserving the speakers’ meaning. Names and specialist terms have been corrected where they could be verified.
Introduction
Priya: Hello and welcome to a very special episode of Hear Me Now. It is South Asian Heritage Month, and today we are interviewing three South Asian men who create meaningful change in their own ways. They use their voices, platforms and lived experiences to challenge stigma, promote healthy conversations and inspire the next generation.
We have Tandy Virdee, a multi-award-winning business leader, founder of New Young Blood and an advocate for tackling violence against women and girls. We have Ajit Mann, an award-winning filmmaker, producer and writer whose work explores powerful social issues and encourages audiences to reflect, learn and challenge harmful behaviour and attitudes. Finally, we have Aman Khondo, host of Brown, But Better, where he creates honest conversations about mental health, masculinity, identity and personal growth within South Asian communities.
Thank you all for joining us for this important conversation.
Aman: Thank you for having us.
Ajit: Thank you for inviting us.
Tandy: It is an honour to be with Aman, Ajit and yourself.
What does being South Asian mean to you?
Priya: As we celebrate South Asian Heritage Month, what does being South Asian mean to each of you? Which traditions, values and parts of our culture are you most proud to celebrate and pass on to future generations?
Aman: One of the amazing things about South Asian culture is the connection to family and the community we form around ourselves. You see it at functions, weddings and birthdays. The number of people who show up for you during those moments is amazing. It can come with a financial burden at times, but I think it is worth it.
Priya: We are people people. I love that. What about you, Tandy?
Tandy: I am extremely proud of my culture and of coming from a Punjabi Sikh family. I grew up in the 1990s and, when I went to art college in Kent, I was the only brown face. I wore a turban and stood out, but I received so much love. I felt proud of my culture.
As Aman said, our families are built around respect and community. That is beautiful across the different South Asian communities. I try to instil that in my boys as they grow into teenagers. South Asian Heritage Month has also allowed me to run a kind of roadshow supporting young talent and involving them in events that elevate our culture. That is important for the next generation.
Priya: Ajit, what about you?
Ajit: Being South Asian is one of the most unique identities to have. It spans many countries and cultures. For me, it is the vibrancy: the clothes we wear at weddings and events, the music we listen to and the food we eat. If I had to describe it in one word, I would say colour.
I have always been proud to be South Asian. We need to preserve and celebrate our culture. It is not something to shy away from. We should be proud of where we came from and what our culture represents.
Priya: Colour also came up in our earlier conversation with South Asian women, along with community. It does not take much to please us: good food, good music and people.
Using a platform to create change
Priya: Each of you has chosen to use your platform to create positive change. Tell us about what you do, what drives your work and why these conversations matter.
Tandy: I have worked in the creative industry for 35 years and have been fortunate to work with major brands and agencies. I think people in our community should use their experience to support the next generation.
That led to the journey with my boys. They started their own clothing brand at eight years old. They are 14 now, have won about ten awards and have visited the Houses of Parliament. New Young Blood grew as an extension of their journey. I did not want only to help my children; I wanted to help others too.
There can be too much jealousy in our community. At art college and during my degree, I was surrounded by people outside our community who wanted to win while supporting each other. We need more of that. Through New Young Blood, we are starting to see change. When young talent does well, we should sponsor and support them.
I instil those values in my boys. If you help somebody, encourage them to help somebody else. The greatest reward in life is giving back. It does not matter whether you have fast cars or big houses. In Sikhism, seva (selfless service) matters deeply. That is how my parents raised me.
The next generation needs to be seen, heard and represented. I am tired of hearing that we are not represented in music, cricket or football. There is talent there. We need to support and elevate it. Other communities do this well, but too often we lack that support. I hope a new generation can change it. People working in filmmaking and podcasting can inspire young people and become role models.
Priya: Social media now lets us see and appreciate people whose paths might never otherwise have crossed. Meeting Ajit, for example, has shown me how many Asian actors are working that I did not know about.
Tandy: My boys act, and there are many people in the industry who could use their experience to elevate the next generation of actors and filmmakers. We are the majority in the world, not the minority. We should be present throughout the mainstream.
Ajit: I have loved filmmaking for my entire life. Growing up, I saw little South Asian representation in Western media. We had films such as Bend It Like Beckham and Bride and Prejudice, but I did not see many filmmakers like me.
When I told my parents I wanted to become a filmmaker, they thought I would either have to go to Bollywood or would not have a career. I did not want to make Bollywood films. I grew up with Western cinema, from blockbusters to arthouse films and drama. I kept asking why we did not see more Asian representation on screen.
One motivation was to achieve the dream for myself, but another was to inspire future South Asian filmmakers. Someone from a Sikh Punjabi background might see me championing these films, helping South Asian actors and creatives, and realise that it is possible.
Within the film industry, some people stay in their own bubble. It becomes competition rather than collaboration. Other communities thrive, while South Asian representation is often reduced to a few individuals. I wanted a different approach: collaboration rather than competition. Film itself is collaboration.
I enjoy meeting filmmakers, sharing stories and exchanging ideas. Although I made Dukh, a film about South Asians and Punjabis, that does not mean I only want to make films about Punjabi culture. I want to make films about anything that interests me. I do not want to be seen only as an Asian filmmaker, but as a filmmaker.
If filmmakers set aside ego and competition and collaborated, we could make something incredible. Some people gatekeep the industry. My goal is to break the gate.
Tandy: When I was 16, I told my parents I wanted to study art. My uncle told me to forget it. I said I was going into graphic design. Thirty-five years later, I still run an agency. I tell my boys to do what they love rather than enter an industry they will end up hating.
Ajit: It is also about ignoring the noise. If you let it get to you, you become demotivated. I left university in 2017 expecting to become a filmmaker, but it took years to make my first film because I listened to people saying my degree was a waste of time. Now I ignore the noise and get things done.
Aman: Brown, But Better began as an idea between a friend and me. We lived opposite each other, went on walks and had deep conversations about divorce, family challenges, boundaries and other issues. I thought those conversations could help other people.
When I eventually started the podcast, my friend became too busy to remain consistent. The show became a way to offer a positive male role model in a space where there are not many.
A lot of research, psychology and media advice is based on populations described by the acronym WEIRD: Western, educated, industrialised, rich and democratic. Advice produced from those perspectives cannot always apply the South Asian filter that we need when discussing our experiences.
Through the channel, I want to promote positive ideas and act a little like a big brother, offering advice people might not have found elsewhere.
Cultural barriers that still need to be challenged
Priya: We have discussed the positive sides of South Asian culture, but difficult conversations are still needed around domestic abuse, misogyny, mental health, gender expectations and asking for help. What are the biggest cultural barriers we still need to challenge?
Ajit: The biggest issue for me is the normalisation of domestic abuse within some Asian households. I do not mean only physical abuse. Verbal abuse, coercive control, blackmail and gaslighting can become so normalised that people do not recognise them as abuse.
When somebody speaks up, they can be treated as the strange one who is trying to destroy the family. They are not. They are trying to help people understand that these behaviours are unacceptable.
A child might hear a woman say, “Do not distract me because I need to make the roti before Dad gets home, otherwise he will hit me.” Statements like that become ingrained. Children grow up believing the behaviour is normal. Boys may copy what they saw their fathers do because they think that is how a man is supposed to behave.
Aman: Ego and pride sit behind many of these issues. Think about drinking, how people behave towards others and violence against women and girls. Some behaviour comes from an individual’s need to have his ego fed.
Pride can also stop people admitting that they need help or saying what causes them distress. A man who expects food at exactly six o’clock may feel that any delay challenges what he believes he deserves. He is not considering the pressures his partner faces. Nothing serious happens if he eats at five past six or half past six, but a chauvinistic attitude can interpret it as disrespect.
Tandy: Ajit deserves credit for bringing his film forward. We need more work like that to raise awareness among older and younger generations and stop these behaviours being normalised.
Punjabi songs often celebrate drinking, which does not help. Change also needs support from community institutions. Gurdwaras do not always want people to enter and discuss subjects such as domestic abuse or suicide.
Ajit: I approached gurdwaras about screening Dukh. The film’s strong language became one reason they would not show it. Removing it would leave much of the film muted or bleeped.
I deliberately made the film raw and unfiltered. When we screened it for survivors and charity workers in Reading, I did not expect to see so many people crying. It affected people because it reflected reality. Some complained that it contained too much swearing or was too rude, but I asked them to consider why the reality made them so uncomfortable.
Films about social issues cannot always dress things up. Previous films have sometimes sugar-coated these subjects rather than reaching their root.
Making work this heavy is mentally exhausting. The day after we finished filming, I broke down in tears. Four days of filming carried a great deal of frustration and emotion. Researching real cases meant entering a very dark place and reading about situations in which justice was not achieved.
I want more filmmakers to tackle social justice stories instead of concentrating only on how a film looks. It cannot be one filmmaker doing this alone.
Priya: The film stayed with me because I recognised parts of my youth in it. People doing trauma-related work need to care for themselves. In professional services, we use clinical supervision because the work can repeatedly reach you.
What does healthy masculinity look like?
Priya: You are all positive role models for South Asian men. What does healthy masculinity look like, and which qualities should young South Asian boys and men embrace?
Aman: Positive masculinity can be framed in many ways. Two important traits are empathy and vulnerability.
Empathy means putting yourself in another person’s position and understanding their perspective. Vulnerability means being able to share difficult or sad emotions. Boys are often taught, including by South Asian fathers, that crying or showing vulnerability is bad and that emotions should be locked away. Those fathers were probably taught the same thing by their parents.
If people can be vulnerable with those around them and empathise with others, we can create a more positive world and better role models. Things are changing. More people are being open and having conversations they might once have avoided.
We should recognise that our parents probably did the best they could with the tools they were given. But, as we grow up, it becomes our responsibility to unpack harmful beliefs and replace them with healthier ones that reflect how we want to live.
Tandy: I agree. I have two teenage boys, and my wife and I tell them to express emotion and cry when they need to. Men often hide emotion because we think we must appear big and strong.
When I or one of my sons is upset, we can feel and acknowledge it. I did not have that relationship with my father growing up. We need to show our children that expressing emotion is acceptable.
Ajit: As a child, I was told that crying made me weak or “like a girl.” Healthy masculinity means treating everybody equally and respectfully, regardless of gender.
It also means opening up to friends and having honest, meaningful conversations. If you surround yourself with men who reject healthy masculinity, you may struggle to live according to your own values.
I am fortunate to have close male friends who share their experiences, cry together and allow each other to be vulnerable without making it feel strange. That took years of removing unhealthy friendships from my life. I have ended friendships dating back to primary school because I could no longer accept those beliefs.
Derogatory language among Punjabi men is also often directed at women. That needs to stop.
Priya: The discussion shows why men need safe spaces in which they can open up.
Ajit: We also need to act as role models within our friendship groups. Some groups reinforce toxic beliefs and encourage each other. A person can become part of the herd and stop forming independent opinions. Reassessing a friendship group is difficult, especially when those relationships have lasted for years, but sometimes it is necessary.
Aman: If boys and men are not allowed to be vulnerable, they may suppress emotions and eventually release them in more harmful ways. Without learning emotional regulation, distress may emerge as anger or violence.
Priya: Trauma can present differently in men. Unprocessed trauma can contribute to harmful or violent behaviour.
Ajit: Alcohol, gambling, smoking and drugs can become ways of numbing trauma when somebody has no healthy outlet. This can lead to long-term health problems and damage families, employment and relationships.
Men’s role in ending violence against women and girls
Priya: Violence against women and girls is not only a women’s issue; it is a societal issue. What responsibility do men have to challenge harmful behaviour, call out misogyny, support survivors and build safer communities?
Tandy: This subject is very close to me. Four years ago, my dear friend Zara Aleena was murdered in the London Borough of Redbridge. Since then, I have campaigned alongside Zara’s aunt, Farah Naz, to raise awareness of violence against women and girls.
I use my voice to keep Zara’s case visible and help run her Instagram account. Whenever Farah and I have an opportunity through the media, we try to do more. We need more men to attend vigils and awareness events and stop shying away from the issue.
Farah has done extraordinary work, not only for Zara but for women who have experienced violence. Councils and government must also sustain their support. The council was highly involved during the first year after Zara’s murder, but its support declined in later years. Last June, it would not even close the roads for the vigil. Lasting change requires institutions to remain involved after the initial attention fades.
Aman: Violence against women and girls is primarily caused by men, so men must call other men out. Men should make other men uncomfortable when those men make women uncomfortable.
Harmful behaviour exists on a continuum. At the bottom are comments, jokes and apparently small acts. At the top are serious violence and murder. People within the community can interrupt the pattern at the lower levels by asking why somebody made a degrading comment or made a woman uncomfortable.
Priya: I describe that as the pyramid of sexual violence. When somebody gets away with behaviour at the bottom, it can encourage riskier behaviour. Zara’s killer had a long history of offending, which demonstrates why early behaviour must be challenged.
Ajit: I become frustrated when men respond with “not all men.” Of course it is not all men, but men still have a responsibility to solve the problem. Saying “not all men” deflects attention from that responsibility.
If a friend makes a derogatory comment about women, call him out without exception. Ask why he said it. It may feel awkward, but silence allows the behaviour to continue and potentially escalate.
Events about violence against women and girls need more men in attendance. Women are already suffering the consequences; men need the education and must take action. This should begin in schools. Children learn about many social issues, so education about violence against women and girls should not be absent.
Tandy: Schools and colleges need to do more. My boys know Zara’s story and are educating themselves, but I did not receive this education at school. It is still not happening consistently.
Aman: Technology can also normalise or enable harmful behaviour. Artificial-intelligence companions, covert recording through wearable devices and online content can reinforce damaging attitudes. Government and technology companies are not doing enough to protect women.
Ajit: Power and control are central. Some men like feeling powerful and controlling another person. Public male figures who promote these attitudes make the problem worse because they receive attention, airtime and money.
What legacy should the next generation inherit?
Priya: If each of you could leave one legacy for the next generation of South Asian boys and young men, what would you want them to remember? What gives you hope?
Aman: Treat people as individuals rather than forcing them into stereotypes and divisive narratives. Learn about other people, understand them and share what you learn.
The world becomes better through unity. There will always be people who try to divide us by putting communities into boxes and creating fear. We can overcome that through shared events, collaboration and the willingness to ask somebody how they are doing and understand their experience.
Tandy: Be proud of who you are, dream big and help others. Through New Young Blood, I see young people who want to support one another. I hope that changes the dynamic in our community and helps people elevate each other.
We need role models in filmmaking, podcasting and other fields who nurture young talent. New Young Blood creates networking opportunities for young people with big dreams. Talented young people in film, television, sport and music meet, become friends and support one another without jealousy. Helping even one person reach the top would make the work worthwhile.
Priya: When children find something they love and commit to their craft, they can surround themselves with like-minded people and stay away from harmful paths.
Ajit: I want South Asian boys to be kinder, treat people with respect and respect women. I want the next generation to be more empathetic, unafraid to cry and willing to be vulnerable.
We should abandon the idea of a “perfect man.” Be yourself. Do what you want to do rather than following something because it appears fashionable. Do not allow other people to convince you that you cannot achieve your goals. Find your own identity, be self-motivated and become a role model for the generation after you.
Closing remarks
Priya: Thank you to Tandy, Ajit and Aman for your honesty, wisdom and willingness to have important conversations.
Today’s discussion shows that we can be deeply proud of our South Asian heritage while having the courage to challenge attitudes and behaviours that no longer serve our communities.
Real change happens when people are willing to listen, learn and lead by example. We hope this conversation encourages more men to speak openly, support one another and become active allies in creating safer, healthier and more compassionate communities.
Thank you for joining us for this special South Asian Heritage Month edition of Hear Me Now.
Support
If you would like to talk to The Jessica Project, you can get support here. If you or somebody else is in immediate danger in the UK, call 999. If you cannot speak on a mobile, listen to the operator and press 55 when prompted to be transferred to police.
- National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247, free and available 24 hours a day.
- Samaritans: 116 123, free and available day or night.
The views expressed by guests are their own. This transcript is provided for accessibility and may contain minor differences from the recorded audio.